How Do We Handle Conflict?

1. Handling Emotions

• What scares each of us? (Loneliness, crowds, insects, snakes, debt, etc.)
• How do we act when we’re (scared, angry, hurt, frozen)?
• What kind of behavior do I expect from you when I am scared? … angry? … embarrassed?

Robert Maurer, a UCLA research psychologist, asks the question this way: “When you’re scared, will you run to me for comfort or will you run through me on your way out the door?”

2. How Do We Respond to Conflict?

• When someone is upset with you, what is your first impulse? To run? To attack? To defend? To try and fix the problem? To find someone else to blame?
• How do you (or do you) take responsibility for your contribution to a conflict?

3. Handling Anger

• How do we feel about our own anger? When is it acceptable to feel angry? When is it not acceptable?
• How do we feel when we are the target of someone else’s anger? How do we respond?
• What scares us about anger? How do we handle our anger? How do we respond to someone else’s anger?
• What do we need to get past our anger? (acknowledgement, time, space?)

Anger can be adaptive or destructive. Anger is not caused by anyone or anything outside of ourselves. It is a RESPONSE we have, but may not be a conscious response. Much anger is anger against one’s self.

It may be based on an interpretation of events or intentions which is affected by perception as well as what happened. It is a state of physiological arousal leading to fight or flight in a particular context. (Perceptions + arousal + beliefs or assumptions = emotions.) Anger can also be outward expression of pain – physical or psychological pain.

Angry feelings need to be acknowledged and validated in ourselves and others in order to move toward problem solving. Angry feelings are always valid, as they are based on perceptions. Angry behavior is an effort to communicate those feelings to others, and may be:

• An attempt to communicate to the other person how you feel.
• An appropriate expression of feeling.
• An expression of confused feeling.
• A ritual or tantrum behavior which has the goal of getting attention or control, communicating helplessness, or achieving revenge.
• An instrumental behavior which has the goal of intimidating or confusing the other person.

Anger can be defined as the path of least resistance taken by shame between rage and silent suffering. There are many ways of controlling it, including the following:

Your Own:

1. Own it. Don’t blame anyone else for it.
2. Discover the underlying reasons for it.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions non-judgmentally.
4. Ask questions to discover whether your perceptions are accurate.
5. Focus on solving the problem rather than blaming.
6. Ask yourself what it would take to forgive the other person.

Someone Else’s:

1. Acknowledge their feelings.
2. Avoid responding defensively.
3. Ask open-ended questions.
4. Ask clarifying questions. Summarize.
5. Respond using “I” statements.
6. Clarify expectations.
7. Re-negotiate the relationship.

It also helps to avoid the behaviors which commonly trigger anger. They include:

1. Misrepresentation:
   

   Lying: Direct misrepresentation through verbal communication. Indirect Misrepresentation: Giving false impressions through verbal communication. Nonverbal Deception: Non-verbal misrepresentation.

2. Making excessively high demands.
3. Overstepping the bounds of one’s authority.
4. Insulting the other party.
5. Causing the other party to lose face.
6. Showing personal animosity toward the other party in a professional relationship.
7. Falsely accusing the other party of wrongdoing.
8. Failing to honor agreements, both formal and informal.
9. Failing to reciprocate the other party’s concessions.
10. Failing to adequately prepare and/or organize for the negotiation.
11. Lacking real commitment to achieving an agreement or making it work.
12. Questioning a person’s authority or intentions.
13. Seeking to undermine someone’s authority by “going over his or her head.”
14. Showing excessive concern for unimportant details without putting them in a larger context.

(Based on Joseph P. Daly, Negotiation Journal, Vol. 7, No. 1)