Final Pre-Conversation Advice: Conservations Before a Marriage

When applying for college, the prospective student fills out pages of questions and writes essays for evaluation by the admissions staff of the college. In that process, the college is asking the student to define his or her role in the prospective relationship. At the same time, the college informs the student how it defines the roles and responsibilities of the relationship. Usually, this communication is preparation for a two or four year relationship between the student and the college. Compared to preparing for college, very few couples invest as much time researching the relationships that they plan on keeping for the rest of their lives.

If either partner feels uncomfortable discussing difficult issues, it is recommended that  you bring a mediator or therapist to assist in the process. In selecting a practitioner, consider asking if they teach communication and problem solving techniques. This will be difficult for some people. Some will feel that using professional help would imply that they are lacking in some way. Others have told us that they avoided asking serious questions prior to marriage for fear of being interpreted as suspicious or lacking faith in the relationship. They were afraid that requesting answers to such questions could damage the relationship.

In some cases, they received powerfully negative reactions when attempting to raise some of these issues. Intellectually, they agree that it would be better to have these answers before marriage but they never learned ways to make this process acceptable or safe. With faith, sometimes with trepidation, they simply moved forward into the relationship.

If one partner is reluctant or uninterested in participating in reading and answering the questions together, the other partner can still benefit from asking the questions of himself or herself. He or she can select the most important of the questions and prioritize them in order of personal importance. Having answered the questions on a personal basis, the questioner may have an improved understanding of his or her own needs and expectations. He or she can then look for appropriate times to ask one or two of the questions to get a sense of how their mate feels about these issues.

If questions or answers feel uncomfortable, now is the time to deal with that discomfort. Now is the time that you are probably most willing to be gracious with each other and learn from each other. If you withhold your feelings now, your partner will lack information that will be crucial at some point in the future. For example, one of our most important questions is, “What kind of behavior makes you feel disrespected? Do I ever make you feel that way?” The sooner you educate your partner about these kinds of details, the sooner he or she can act accordingly. If, at this time, the two of you cannot have a strategic and collaborative discussion on potentially uncomfortable or explosive issues, consider that it will not get better in the future unless you work on it now. In fact, these problems often intensify after the glow has faded.

If you find that you’re not feeling heard or your needs are not being acknowledged, your remaining options are to either swallow your pride and stuff your feelings down, or gradually succumb to an active or passive aggressive system of dysfunctional communicating and fighting. Going through these questions will raise issues that challenge your relationship. To overcome these challenges clarifies your understanding of yourselves and of each other, and in the process, delivers greater faith in the relationship and confidence in knowing who you are, in what you stand for and acknowledges each other’s strengths and limitations. The value of meeting such challenges before solemnizing your commitments cannot be stressed enough.

When you weigh the risks of losing the relationship through this questioning process, consider the options:

• You do not ask the questions and you do not learn conflict awareness and management skills. You enter the marriage with the same 50/50 odds of divorce as the rest of our culture.
• You ask the questions and learn things about each other that are unacceptable, things that when revealed, could lead to divorce or other unpleasant realities. If the relationship does end, you can realize a double benefit by learning important questions to ask earlier in your next relationship while avoiding a longer, more painful ending to the current affair.
• You ask the questions, learn more about each other and enhance the foundation of trust, safety and awareness of each other’s needs that leads to a better marriage with skills for handling conflict, sustaining yourselves through crisis and enjoying a fulfilling life together.

All of the issues referred to in the upcoming questions have surfaced in mediations and counseling sessions with couples. While it will take a time investment for you to cover them all thoroughly, you will realize some major benefits as a result. Empowered with your new problem solving skills and communication techniques, you can then spend the rest of your lives prepared to face the conflicts you encounter. One of the best rewards of this training will be that your children will grow up with these skills, contributing to the transformation of our society in many positive ways.

Prior to beginning your conversation I like to suggest the following exercise: write out a list of as many responses as you can think of to each the following statements.

• “I feel respected when…”
• “I feel disrespected when…”
• “I know I am loved when…”
• “I fell unloved when…”

Who have been married as long as twenty years to participate in this exercise? They were often surprised to find that all those years they had been misinterpreting or misperceiving some of each other’s perceptions, beliefs and/or intentions. The work they did after this revelation was healing and valuable. At the very least, comparing your lists will provide the basis for an insightful and revealing conversation.

After you’ve discussed the love and respect exercise, you’re probably ready to tackle the conversation questions. Above all, be honest and have fun. Being honest can’t be as bad as being in a marriage in which you are withholding and being fearful, resentful or dishonest with each other. For you thrill junkies, honesty might get your heart pounding.

The questions and tools can help you in a number of ways. As you and your mate discuss issues that are often avoided or not considered, you will share deep and valid understandings of each other’s needs, dreams, expectations, fears, boundaries, and reactions to stress and conflict. With these shared understandings, you can collaborate with each other to create the kind of family and relationships you want. In the process, you will be much less inclined to experience the kind of loveless marriages in which many people find themselves.

Whether you are married, engaged or just enjoying getting to know each other, I hope this post will inspire conversations which will give you an opportunity to express needs, share values, explore expectations and establish the groundwork for safe, respectful and effective ways to handle conflict. Using the questions to begin your dialogue, you may discover, explore and enjoy new territories with the significant relationships in your life.

Be forewarned that you may experience revelations that could shock, surprise, disappoint or pleasurably enlighten you. It’s very important that you hear this information for what it is: information. If it is different than what you expected, do not judge it, rationalize it or try to fix it. Simply hear it. Do not react to honesty with judgement or criticism. If you do, then you may be sending the message that honesty is risky, honesty may be punished. What you will get in the future may be dishonest as a result.

If you learn to incorporate acceptance of each other’s differences as an integral factor in your relationship, you will find that the relationship has greatly expanded space in which to function and grow. In a best case scenario, these differences can be celebrated rather than feared, resented or avoided. If you are interested in learning more about yourselves, your conversations will be extremely valuable in terms of knowledge that you will gain about each other’s needs, fears and dreams; valuable in terms of what you will learn about yourself as you assess your own feelings; and valuable in terms of what you will save in terms of time, pain and money.

Conflict can be a positive experience, that in fact, it is a necessary and unavoidable component in the process for growth and change. When conflict reveals the need for discussion and negotiation, it is also serving you with the opportunity to enhance, deepen and inspire all your relationships. If you grow to be accepting of differing viewpoints, you will create relationships that are stronger, safer and deeper than you ever imagined.